Let me begin this post by saying that I had a bad day today. It was one of those Murphy's Law days - I got stuck working with an annoying coworker, then I came home to find that the flushable sponge I used to clean the toilet today wasn't flushable after all - I might as well have flushed a teddy bear. What's worse is it requires some serious plumbing, and Mr. G and I are going to attempt to do it ourselves tomorrow. I only pray that we don't get nastiness all over ourselves and our bathroom AND realize we still have to pay someone to fix it. Also, we discovered a leak in our laundry room - could be related to the toilet issue, or it could be our water heater going out, which I can't even begin to think about. And on top of everything, my air bag warning light came on in my car; as if I didn't already know my car was having issues when we had to rip off the splash guard...
Needless to say, I'm feeling frustrated and a bit cynical today. Usually I try to suppress negativity (at least on here), but sometimes these feelings lead to interesting thoughts, so I decided to air them since I know I'm not the only one thinking these things. So here goes.
My first random anecdote is about birthdays. Amidst the chaos of today, I had an epiphany about aging - while I am not yet at the age where birthdays are something to dread, I have definitely arrived at the age where they are nothing to look forward to. My friend turned 24 today, which made me think about the fact that I will be turning 24 in February, and I realized that I could care less. The same thing happened when I turned 23 - I felt like I had been 23 for months already and the actual day was just a formality. I haven't even reached what I consider to be the ideal age (25) and I am already at the point of nonchalance about birthdays, which means that before long, my relationship with my birthday will escalate from civil acquaintances to full-on frenemies (yes, frenemies - birthdays still come with parties, after all). This also means that before long I'll be forced into the frighteningly oversaturated market of age-defying beauty products. As if I don't have enough to think about already - shopping for regular moisturizer gives me anxiety. Not to mention I still get acne; if I have to shop for wrinkle-reducing serum that has salicylic acid in it, I'll just quit. Anyway, the moral of this cynical story is: the older you get, the less you have to look forward to! (just kidding...)
My second anecdote is a more serious one about self-worth. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Even with all the blessings in my life (which there are plenty, I realize), there are also quite a few things that burden me - namely: my lack of a career, my lack of friends out here, and as always, lack of money. I feel like I handle things fairly well for the most part - I don't let them get to me most of the time, and I'm taking all the right steps to make improvements. Nevertheless, all it takes to bring me down is seeing others succeed where I have failed. I feel my self-worth drop with every peer I see getting a job, getting married (I got married!), moving to a new place (I did that twice!), and having children (no thanks, but still). It's disturbing how much we - or at least I - look outward for the measure of our worth.
Have you ever had one person in particular one-up you on everything? I have... Let's say his name is Sam. Sam has been making my gold look like dirt for as long as I can remember. For everything I achieved, he did it ten-fold. My test scores were impressive - his were incredible. When I thought I had found my niche in college, he managed to beat me at my own game. Even at graduation - when I had a medal around my neck and an honors diploma in hand - he got a standing ovation for all his accomplishments. The only thing I had that he didn't was marriage, but now that's about to change, too, and I'm sure his wedding will set the standard for all weddings to come. Maybe it's an older sister, or that annoying friend, but I feel like we all have a Sam... The moral of this story? There will always be a Sam. And if you're as ambitious and competitive as I am, this will be one of life's toughest pills to swallow.
So, now that I've poured out my bitterness, I feel the need to go watch the Wiggles or something. I was hoping this blog would convey a more consistent message of optimism and contentment, but sometimes brutal honesty is refreshing. And who's to say I'm not content? Well, besides the job market and my bank account... But in all seriousness, I know that I am a blessed girl with a patient, loving husband and a God who has a plan even when I don't. And a blog. So I'll be fine. :) Even on days like today...
Feel free to share some of your cynical anecdotes with me - misery loves company, after all. ;)
I promise my next post will be uplifting - there is (literally) nothing bitter about chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes!
<3 Mrs. G
I totally know how you feel, Mrs. G!
ReplyDeleteAs a long-time single person, watching your friends get married is really hard. Watching your friends find their dream job can be even harder! Especially when, like me, you don't even know what your dream job is. I also place wwaaayyyy too much value in comparing my life to the lives of others. No one else is looking at me (I hope!) and thinking how much better they are then me, or how little of my life I actually have "together," so why should I? That only hurts me.
I'm sorry so many things went wrong in one day! I hope the house stuff doesn't turn out to be too much of a big deal. :)
Oh, and I'm already dreading birthdays.